It doesn't get much more epic than this. The Apple iPod Classic is the undisputed (until now) titan of high-capacity MP3 players, with a rich legacy dating back to 2001. Its rival, the Microsoft Zune, stepped on the scene only a year ago and was promptly cast as an ugly duckling. In its latest incarnation, the Zune 80, Microsoft has finally presented a worthy challenger to the iPod dynasty. Unlike the original 30GB Zune, which had the aesthetic charm of a bar of soap, the Zune 80 is capable of competing not just on features, but design as well.

Of course, there's more to an MP3 player than good looks. To be a truly feared and respected MP3 player in this day and age, you need excellent software, top-notch video playback, podcast support, a drool-worthy graphic user interface, premium sound quality, and an affordable price. It also doesn't hurt to have a few tricks up your sleeve, such as games, or a Wi-Fi connection.

The only thing certain about this fight is that it will inevitably stir up a monsoon of disgust from both sides--no matter who wins. Here to share the blame with me are two inordinately qualified judges, who will present their completely subjective opinion through five rounds of brutal honesty. So let's stop being polite, take off the gloves, and pit Apple against Microsoft in a battle of MP3 supremacy!